September 15, 2003

Like a Virgin

Madonna is very concerned with protecting her daughter, Lourdes, from her "on-stage persona". Really? I know this sounds crazy, but if she were interested in her daughter having a somewhat normal existence, shouldn't she have married the child's father instead of picking some good-looking sperm donor? Am I missing something here?

I was a witness today to a temper tantrum. The tantrum took place in an office where I do some work from time-to-time. It was conducted by a young man of about 3. He was angry at his mother, who was there to fill out some paperwork. Her response to his outburst? "He's always like this when he comes back from his dad's house."

Two things about this. One was our reaction (nodding and smiling), which says something about how desensitized we have all become to bratty kids from broken homes. But my second thought was deeper: shame is dead in our society. Like it or not, shame and guilt are what hold civilizations together. I go out and work not only out of a sense of financial need and personal pride, but to avoid the shame I would feel for not being a productive member of my family.

Evidently, not everyone feels this shame. There was a time, not so long ago, when divorce was a dirty word. It happened, and sometimes it needed to, but it wasn't something that was treated with glibness and resignation. There was a certain amount of shame in a failed marriage, enough so that it wasn't considered nice dinner conversation.

We now know that shame can be used to keep people trapped in bad situations. Many, many women stayed in abusive marriages because of the shame they would feel if they left. But I think that the pendulum has gone off the scale at the other end---to support shame as a real thing necessary in a civilized society is considered nutty. But history teaches us that a world without limits, morally or otherwise, will become a world where nothing is held sacred.

Posted by Matthew at September 15, 2003 03:41 PM
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