When I was little, I used to play this game in which I would retrace the steps of my day, trying to remember everything I had done up to the present moment. It seems childish now, but try it once; you'd be shocked at the amount of lost and/or wasted time in your life. I know I have my fair share.
Traveling back home from my business travels on Friday left me with time to once again retrace my steps, but on a much larger scale. The branch of the tree that is my life has a distinct, finite beginning: a Sunday afternoon in April, 1989. That was the day I tripped backstage during the last presentation of 'The Wizard of Oz' and dislocated my shoulder. The injury resulted in surgery, which resulted in me missing my planned entry date into the Navy (June 2 of that year). Instead, I had to be reclassified. That was how I became involved in the Navy's vaunted Nuclear Power Program.
Were it not for that fall on that Sunday, two things would not have occured: I would not have come home on leave in November, 1990 and asked my future wife out on a date (she was recently out of a relationship; had I come home earlier or too much later, I would've been out of luck), and I would never have moved to Texas.
Texas came to be because of my best friend and fellow sailor Peter, whose Bronx-born family calls Dallas home. I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my experiences in the Navy and in Dallas did more to shape the man I am today than any other events since my childhood. The Navy taught me about discipline, teamwork and hard work; Texas taught me the value and construction of good relationships (sometimes by showing me what I didn't want) and the worth of loyalty.
Texas and the Navy still linger in me. The Navy is a group of memories, sometimes so far removed that they seem like a different lifetime. Texas is still alive for me and the people there are still very much a part of my life. I was there on Thursday and Friday for business, but had a short time to see Peter and his family. The gang, as it was, no longer exists. Any six people would tell six different stories about the how's and the why's; I will not discuss them here. What remains is a shell, a facade of something held together by long-ago held affections and devotion to things no longer held dear.
All that remains for me is loyalty to a friend who I love as a brother. His family will be my family; his friends will be my friends. This may seem blind to many of you, but there is a point in a man's life when he must come to respect some opinions more than others. This is not the course I chose; it has been chosen for me over the years. The days of hearing arguments and trying to be impartial are over. I can not rebuild what was, as I have tried to do for so long. I must make the best of what is and cling to those few who I know and trust. I will not close anyone out, nor will I make acommadations for them at the expense of a lifelong friendship that has seen great times and rough weather.
I read 'Winter Dreams' again Thursday night. It is F. Scott Fitzgerald's short story about young love and the loss of it, something which the main character never gets over. Years later, he hears news of his lost love and her loveless, abusive marriage. He has gained the world, but loses his heart again in that moment. But he has a realization that he must live the life he has and block what was, for it is lost forever: "I can not cry, I can not care. That thing is gone, that thing is gone. It will come back no more."
I know this seems off the beaten path for some of you, especially the newer readers. Monday is another day, and I will once again turn back to the world. There is much to talk about.
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