January 13, 2006
The Man Code
A little light-hearted humor for Friday the 13th (and I think there's a full moon as well). I have a weird sense of foreboding since yesterday for some reason. I'm beginning to think I'm superstitious. You may have received this in your inbox already.
Short of a heart attack or bleeding to death, no man shall ride on
the back of another man's Harley.
If a tire gets flat and you don't know how to change it, pretend
your back is in spasms and lie on the road.
It's a medical fact that if you ask for directions before driving
around aimlessly for less than 30 minutes, your testicles will
shrivel and fall off.
It's also a medical fact that going to too many chick flicks has a
negative effect on youtestosterone level. And movies with
subtitles can cause your breasts to swell.
If you have a Barcalounger, a TV and beer in the fridge, you are a
success, my friend.
Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission
and he, in return, is required to grant it.
Real men don't eat tofu.
Real men still don't eat quiche.
Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be regarded
dubiously until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
Size matters only when it comes to TVs and
engines.
It's important to have a fully equipped tool chest, even if you
only know how to use the screwdriver.
Two men must never go out for brunch by themselves.
If you go clothes shopping with a friend, you're gay.
It's not gay to have a pedicure if your wife or girlfriend pays for
it.
If you have a facial, you're pushing it.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional
and slightly gay.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack,you better be referring to his
beer.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Thou shalt not rent the movie "The English Patient."
Two buddies cannot share popcorn, no matter how large the tub. The
danger of hands touching is real.
Intimate feelings should be kept to yourself. However, descriptions
of intimate bodily functions should be shared generously.
It's OK to cry in front of a woman. However, if a buddy sees you
cry, your better be caught in a vise.
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party is asking for
trouble.
If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you
to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whomping," then you
may sit back and enjoy.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game, but you may never ask
who's playing.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach.....and it's delivered by a topless
super model....and it's free.
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.opaquelucidity.com/movabletype/mt-tb.cgi/666
//Real men don't eat tofu.//
Does this still count if the tofu is grilled and smothered in barbecue sauce, or does that just make it worse?
//Real men still don't eat quiche.//
What about frittata?
//Two buddies cannot share popcorn, no matter how large the tub. The
danger of hands touching is real.//
I think my friend Maher wrote this line.
//Intimate feelings should be kept to yourself. However, descriptions of intimate bodily functions should be shared generously.//
Objection here-- sorry to tell ya, fellas, but chicks really get into guys who share intimate feelings. And quite a few chicks also tell their share of fart jokes.
//It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach.....and it's delivered by a topless super model....and it's free. //
I don't think my husband would ever enjoy a fruity chick drink unless it was served POURED ONTO the topless supermodel, and I wasn't nearby to kick her ass. And his.
So, I've ben partying for the last hour or so (sorry for any typos), and had to step out of the hotel lounge to comment:
I just watched two dudes sing a karaoke duet. I'm sure that HAS to be in the man code somewhere. That's just wrong.
Posted by: Christy at January 13, 2006 11:49 PMChristy it is wrong. In fact it is so wrong if they are identified and caught the punishment is either Keel hauling or drawn and quartered.
Posted by: Sly![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.opaquelucidity.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at January 16, 2006 09:00 AM
Yeah... It was some kind of love song, too. I understand how harmony really rounds out a song and all, but... A MAN DUET... AT KARAOKE!! Puhleeeeeeeeeze.
Posted by: Christy at January 17, 2006 08:17 AM