Opaque Lucidity

90 And Humid And All That Comes With It

There's a great scene at the end of the book 'Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up?' in which Eddie Ryan, our protaganist, is driving down the highway in his air-conditioned sled when he spies a old, beat up car in the slow lane with all the windows rolled down. As he passes the junker, he sees four teenagers inside, having a blast on a hot summer day. For a minute, Eddie Ryan is jealous, for his youth is now far away.

I rolled down the windows of my car and turned off the air conditioning as I drove home today. I do this a lot now, especially when it's as hot and humid as it was today. It reminds me of a time when things were sharper for me. I can't really explain what that sharpness looks or feels like, but you've felt it: the feeling that anything can happen because life hasn't put you on a path yet.

The hot air takes me back more than a decade, to my time in Texas in the mid-1990's. The GMC cube van had an air conditioner, but it only worked sporadically. Most of the time, I was privileged to experience the hair dryer air of northeast Texas in all its 110 degree glory. The days were long, but there was much to do: deliver, deliver, deliver. The Dallas-Fort Worth area is something like 10,000 square miles in area, so much driving was required. And it was crazy driving, not the stuff your local FedEx or UPS driver does every day. No, this was seat-of-your-pants, hurry-your-ass-up-because-you-still-have-to-go-to-Lancaster-and-McKinney driving. The truck was overloaded every day by about 150%, so the idea was to get as much crap offloaded as soon as possible so your life became a little easier.

I was broke, had no stable love life (or any that bears mentioning here) and was constantly on edge. Every weekend meant the club and all the sortedness that live inside it. Every night, every phone call, every pager buzz held the promise of something unexpected. When you get together with friends, chances are that no one is going to end up a) in a trunk b) pulling a gun on someone or c) in Mexico. While things like this did not happen every weekend, they were never off the table. When you hear the President say that "all options are on the table", you know he's talking about nuclear weapons. Our sweaty little fingers were always hovering over the button while the battleshort switch was engaged. It was a helluva way to live.

I don't want to go back there. I am married to the person I was meant to love for the rest of my life. I have a nice house, a great job and stability. My friends from those days are married and have children. I would not trade this present for that past. But when the warm air hits my face, the memories come flooding back. My Texas family and I laugh about it now but, God, on days like this I do miss it so.