Opaque Lucidity

Fair-y

I am the youngest of five children. Today, we range in age from 37 to 49 and have, between my four siblings, fifteen children. We are a pretty close-knit group considering that both of my brothers live in other states. Both of my sisters who, like me, live in the same area where we grew up, keep in touch on an at least weekly basis. In times of crisis or emergency, like my accident in January, we form a tight-knit team that is highly skilled and organized.

We are like this because of our parents. Jerry and Pat are highly efficient people who don't like to waste time or resources. When they go on a driving vacation (rare these days), they plan as if they're going to invade Normandy. This can be frustrating at times for those of us who are not as well put together, but when my mom or dad says they are going to do something or go somewhere, you can write it in stone. It will happen and they will be there--15 minutes early.

Another thing my parents are sticklers about is fairness. If one of us is given something, we are all given the same thing. If they can't offer that something to all of us, they will offer it to no one. Although each of us has a different relationship with mom and dad, there is no "golden child", at least in terms of opportunities offered and gifts given. This would be hard to achieve with two children, much less five.

Growing up, I assumed that every family was like mine. I was shocked to discover that many parents with multiple children play favorites. They may not use that term to explain the situation, but when one child is offered the chance to attend a private college and the rest are not, for example, the bias is obvious and hurtful. I have also learned that these behaviors, for good or ill, do not seem to change with age. We never stop being the children of our parents.

Something happened this past week that made me once again grateful for my parents. I won't bore you with the details, but the incident involved a last-minute vacation and more than a little subterfuge on the part of my in-laws. Despite the fact I am almost 40 and have been married for 10 years, the incident hurt me. It did not surprise me, since it's not the first time something like this has happened. But for some reason, I seem to be the only one upset about it. The reaction from the rest of that family is sort of a ho-hum numbness. That bothers me even more, as if to say that the favoritism has been going on for so long that it isn't even worth discussing.

So here's my question for those of you who grew up with multiple siblings: did your parents play favorites? did it bother you? does it still bother you when they do? do I just need to grow up and get over it? Talk amongst yourselves.