Opaque Lucidity

Big Hoax

Last Friday, two Georgia men claimed to be in possession of a Bigfoot corpse. Now, it has become obvious that the entire thing was a hoax.

I hate stories like this because it drains credibility from those who may really find something new in the deep forests of North America or the slopes of the Himalayas. Most people laugh at the concept of a large man-like creature living in the woods, but I don't think it's a laughing matter. I have a theory and since you're bothering to read this, I'll share it with you. Tell me what you think of this story:

During the last Ice Age (about 11,000 years ago), ice covered much of North America. A tribe of humans, cut off from the rest of early society, survived the weather by wearing thick layers of animal skins. Over time, they grew coarse hair all over their bodies (don't think this isn't possible; for example, the average North Korean is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean. This divergence has occurred in the past 55 years). As the ice receded, these humans maintained their lifestyle and remained disconnected from the rest of humanity.

As the centuries creeped by, Native American tribes moved back to the formerly inhabitable areas of the continent, forcing the furry humans to recede further into the wilderness. Indians and "Bigfoots" would sometimes meet while hunting; the stories of these run-ins become the basis for the modern Bigfoot legend.

As time went by, the Bigfoots became fewer and fewer in number. By the time Europeans began to settle in the western part of what would become the United States, most or all the Bigfoot humans had died out. Yet, the stories survived and were passed to the white men who lived near the northwest Native American tribes. This explains why the body of a Bigfoot has never turned up: none of them have existed for more than a century.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.